Since Kevin’s death, my life has turned into something I could never have imagined. As someone who is typically strong and resilient, I’m sometimes surprised by how hard this has been for me. I feel like I have become a different person, one I don’t always recognize.

I feel Kevin’s absence every day. My grief has not lessened. It feels like it has only deepened as the initial shock has gone away and I am faced with the reality of the rest of my life without him. And although I’ll keep learning how to manage it, this pain will never leave me. I think about him all the time. One thing we often told each other was that no matter what happened throughout life’s ups and downs, everything would be OK because we had each other. Now it’s hard to imagine how anything can ever really be OK again.

Kevin was my best friend and companion, my beloved partner in everything for nearly 24 years. He really was my other half, and now I often feel like half of myself is gone. There are so many reminders every day of all the things he is missing, everything we did or would have done together, so many things I can’t talk with him about, and I feel this huge loss for myself and for him too. There was so much he wanted to do, and it was all taken away from him. I feel like my world has shrunk because of all the experiences I will never get to share with him now. We were supposed to grow old together and take care of each other. Now I am alone.

And my pain is compounded by the knowledge of why Kevin died. This was not some tragic accident. My husband is dead because Jazz Hayhurst-Loric chose to take drugs and drive that night.

Additionally, I now have to live with this unthinkable result: that Jazz will face no consequences for his crime. His reckless actions took a life, the life of someone more significant than he could ever know. Now he gets to go on with his life, but he took all of that away from Kevin.

I was supposed to present this statement at a sentencing hearing that will never happen now. I was going to ask the judge to require Jazz to participate in victim impact groups or programs while in prison so he could learn to comprehend the enormity of what he did. If he could muster even a smidgen of integrity and decency, he would now become an advocate against driving under the influence and use his experience to prevent more senseless deaths like the one he caused.